Early Intervention Support

Behavior

Managing Your Child’s Behavior

Temper tantrums, hitting, throwing toys and screaming “NO” are unfortunately a part of parenting a young child. When your child behaves in an unacceptable way, remember, he or she is not being bad. It’s just a way to communicate. As a parent, you play a vital role in teaching your child the right way to behave.

Addressing challenge behaviors will help your child in the long run. At the elementary level, children with challenging behavior have a harder time making friends and get in trouble more often with teachers. Studies have shown that children who still have challenging behaviors when they reach the teenage years are more likely to be arrested, drop out of school, abuse drugs and alcohol, or have problems into adulthood. Here are tips to help your child learn self control.

Understand What Your Child is Trying to Achieve

Is my child trying to get my attention?
The phone rings. You answer. Suddenly you hear, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” while your child is clinging to your leg. A child who is constantly seeking your attention has not learned to enjoy playing for his/her own sake. The best way to deal with this is to ignore the child’s pleas for your attention. When your child is playing nicely alone, give your child your attention.

Does my child want more power?
You tell your child to change out of his pajamas and put on his play clothes. He screams, “NO! I don’t want to and you can’t make me!” You are bigger and you can yell louder, but you shouldn’t turn this into a power struggle. Instead, let your child make choices which will make him feel like he has some power. For example, instead of telling him to change his clothes, ask if he wants to wear his blue pants or his red ones. You get what you want, a child wearing clothes. He gets what he wants, a feeling of control.

Is my child trying to make me angry?
When your child screams, “I hate you!” don’t show that he/she has hurt your feelings, and don’t punish him/her for hurting your feelings. You might want to acknowledge that her comment makes you sad, but continue to show and express your love. You might say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Would you like me to read you a book?”

Does my child feel helpless?
If your child repeatedly throws a puzzle or another activity across the room and shouts, “I can’t do it.” He might need your help to boost his confidence. Next time, try to break the activity into smaller steps so he can feel a sense of accomplishment for what he can do. Building the entire car might be overwhelming and leave him frustrated. But, offer your verbal and nonverbal praise for the steps he successfully completes. “Wow. You attached the tires all by yourself!” This will help your child develop his/her self esteem and make him/her want to learn new things.

Understanding Your Child’s Attention Span

How long can your child pay attention to one activity? This usually depends on their developmental age. If you have unrealistic expectations of your child’s attention span, it can often lead to temper tantrums and other upsetting behavior. Keep in mind that whether or not your child likes the actual activity or if he/she is sick, tired or hungry can affect his/her attention span. Here are some guidelines to help you understand the typical lengths of attending behaviors in young children:

Ages 8 months – 15 months
Any new activity or event will distract your child, but they can usually attend for one minute or a little longer to a single toy or activity.

Ages 16 months – 19 months
Your child might be restless, but is able to sustain attention to one structured activity for 2-3 minutes. Your child might not be able to tolerate verbal or visual interference.

Ages 20 month – 24 months
Your child is still easily distracted by sounds, but can stay attentive to an activity either with or without an adult for 3 – 6 minutes.

Age 25 – 36 months
Your child can generally pay attention to a toy or other activity for 5 – 8 minutes. In addition, he/she can shift attention from an adult speaking to him/her and then back to what he/she was doing if he/she is prompted to focus her attention.

Ages 3 – 4 years
Your child can usually attend to an activity for 8 to 10 minutes, and then alternate his/her total attention between the adult talking to him/her and the activity he/she is doing independently.

Understanding Negative Feelings

Young children, just like adults, can’t help but feeling angry or sad at times. The different between a young child and an adult is that the adult has learned the appropriate ways to vent feelings of frustration or anger. Some toddlers resort to screaming, kicking, crying loudly or hitting when they are upset. Older children might say mean things like, “I hate you,” or become stubborn and refuse to do what you ask. Other children can hold their anger inside and become quiet, sullen or even develop frequent stomachaches or headaches as a result of their negative feelings.

Ask yourself the following questions if your child has frequent anger outbursts:

1. Is your child frequently overtired from lack of sleep or rest?
2. Is he/she hungry?
3. Are naps, meals and bedtimes kept on a regular schedule?
4. Does your child spend the day going from place to place or is he/she looked after by several different caregivers?
5. Are his/her toys developmentally appropriate, or are they frustrating for the child?
6. Is he/she always being told what to do instead of being given choices?
7. Has there been a change in the household (Mom got a new job, Dad unavailable on weekends)?
8. Does your child get what he/she wants from tantrums?
9. How do you respond to your child’s anger? What are your verbal and physical responses?

Positive Reinforcement to Prompt Good Behavior

Which would you prefer as a boss – the person who only comments when you do something wrong, or the person who gives you positive feedback? You most likely would rather be motivated when you are praised. It’s the same way with your child. Giving positive feedback for small actions is an excellent way to motivate your child.

Here are other tips to motivate a toddler:

1. Slow down and make sure your child has time to go at his own pace.
2. Give warnings or advance notice before transitions. For example, “After we clean up, we are going to eat dinner.”
3. Don’t ask questions your child is likely to say “no” to, and don’t take “no” too seriously when a toddler says it.
4. Use distraction and substitution. “You can walk or I’ll carry you.” You can be sympathetic, but the child must know they cannot always have their way.
5. Explain, but do not talk too much. Keep directions, rules and explanations simple.
6. Be friendly, not angry in your firmness. If you keep your feelings under control, it will be easier to keep your child’s feelings under control.

What to Say to Change Behavior

By paying attention to what you say, you can often get your child to behave properly. The easiest way to remember this technique is to stay positive. Tell your child what you want him to do, instead of what not to do. Here are a few examples:

Don’t say:	Do say:
Don’t throw the truck.	The truck is for driving. You may throw this soft ball.
Don’t climb with a toy in your hand.	I’ll hold your toy while you climb.
Don’t chew books.	We look at books. Take the book out of your mouth.
Don’t play with the garbage.	The garbage is dirty. Let’s walk away from it.
Don’t shut the door.	Leave the door open.
Don’t go near the elevator.	Hold my hand while we wait for the elevator.
Don’t eat the crayon.	Crayons are for drawing.

Behavior Management Guidelines

1. The most important keys to successful behavior management are consistency and repetition. Stick to whatever rules you make all the time. Know that the rules will need to be repeated again and again for them to work.
2. The best way to teach behavior is to use lots of rewards. For every problem behavior, there is a good behavior to take its place. Give rewards after good behavior so your child will want to do the good behavior, instead of the bad. Your child should make the connection between the good behavior and the rewards.
3. Make sure you do not accidentally reward the problem behaviors. For example, if your child throws a tantrum to get attention, don’t give him/her attention. Otherwise, he/she will make the connection between the problem behavior and a reward.
4. Your child will cooperate with the rules when there is an overall positive relationship where he/she feels valued and loved. This is another reason that it is very helpful to use lots of rewards when managing behavior. Remember the ’10 to 1’ rule: for every negative comment or correction, there should be at least ten positive comments.
5. Make sure your child understands what is going on. Give instructions and provide rewards, so he/she knows what is expected and why he/she is being rewarded or why he/she is not rewarded.
6. Set things up to succeed. Do everything you can think of, to make it least likely that the problem behavior can happen. For example, if your child is throwing rocks through the window, get rid of the rocks!
7. Get organized. Start with a simple plan that is easy to do, and stick to it. Keep a written record of progress so you know what works and what doesn’t. If something isn’t working, try to figure out why and try a new plan based on what you have learned.